Victon

Alright, you saw my Tweet. Now watch the video if you haven’t. I had to share because this song is really good.

The dance is cute, too. So watch that, too.

This song started it for me.

I’m growing fond of this one.

My favorite is Seungsik because his voice <3. This post was brought to you by ‘5 minutes before making dinner and I need to make sure you know who Victon is’. I may come back in and add more. Or I might do a whole new post if I have time to go watch their interview videos…..

Raine
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Really, really

Have you heard the new Winner songs? Because they are back and better than ever. I seriously love Winner so much. Kind of miss TaeHyun but it’s just going to be 4 of them and their comeback has proven that they still haven’t lost touch with their appeal.

I’m disappointed that they only came out with 2 songs in their new album Fate Number For but I’m quite sure they’ll be releasing more new music soon. I love that they made one fast song and a slow one. Their fashion concept for this comeback is not that great but who cares when their vocals are so good?

Now listen to it!! Okay, wait. Get this – they dance in this comeback!! So cute. If you have time, watch the dance practice, too.

XOXO,

A big Winner fan.

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Things about this week and next week

A lot of times this week, I felt like a lot of things were going wrong for me. I felt like I was going to see the doctor too many times and that obviously wasn’t a good feeling. I also realized how difficult it is to get certain words out of my mouth. But I’ve gotten over some of it.

Some things that were fun this week:

  1. Going to a fashion show, always an inspirational experience
  2. Volunteering for an event because who doesn’t love running around backstage and feeling important? Not to mention, I won a prize and my sister had to claim it in front of everyone under the K-pop superstar name I listed myself as. Sorry, not sorry but it was memorable and fun.
  3. Watching my friends dance for the event. Let’s face it: I love watching people dance. It makes me want to dance too!
  4. Wood carving. Who knew that could be so fun? It’s very relaxing when your carving tools are fresh and sharp. But once it starts to get blunt, all your energy will be gone just like that. It’s a new experience and I love it though.
  5. Answering “What is your dream job?” honestly for the first time.
  6. Talking to my career counselor for almost 3 hours. I love her, she’s so nice. She even made me hot chocolate.
  7. Finishing a super long lab report hours ahead of the deadline and completing most of it without assistance.
  8. Finishing one of my last few presentations for the semester. I feel like my speaking skills have somewhat improved and I am thankful for the experience even though anxiety was killing me at the beginning.
  9. Classmates bringing food to class.
  10. Bringing some tea for my professor who is facing hard times in her life and seeing her smile.
  11. Another class cancelled for the whole week.
  12. Buying a super cute pocket coloring book to bring on long flights and boring events.

Some things I hope to accomplish the coming week (who am I kidding):

  1. Watch more anime because priorities.
  2. Listen to more music.
  3. Cook.
  4. Go to the gym. Or at least dedicate 10 minutes a day to exercising.
  5. Dress better (if the weather would just get warmer).
  6. Finish assignments (ughhhhhhhhhhhh).
  7. TRY to apply for some things because the first step is so hard and I still don’t know what I want.
  8. Paint and make some cards.
  9. Eat more noodles and pasta. Lunch and dinner were vague and college-student-like this week because of homework and everything. Examples:
    • 2 days of instant noodles
    • Random 30-minute rice, egg and vegetable lunch
    • Pita pizzas
    • Half a sandwich + half a fritter + 3 dates???
    • Granola bar + dates + Goldfish crackers??
  10. Continue being more confident in saying what I want to say (no matter how cheesy and cringe-y).

I’m missing out a bunch of stuff but thank you for making my week wonderful. Let’s stay positive and keep moving forwards!

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Is it 2pm yet?

The story of how we came to listen to 2pm. It was an extremely windy weekend morning when we volunteering at an event and one of our friends had his phone plugged into his iHome speakers.

He was playing Korean songs… There was Taeyang, Big Bang, GOT7, BTS, all the big names.

And then there was a catchy song with ‘da da da da da’. I leaned forward and asked him over the roaring of the wind, “What song is this?”

“Wooyoung!” he shouted back even though we were 5 feet apart.

“What?!”

“Wooyoung.”

Nope, never heard of him.

“Rose. Rose.”

“Um..” I heard ‘roast’. What kind of song is called ‘roast’? Pork roast or pot roast? LOL.

“2pm!”

Finally, a name I recognized. I nodded back.

Came back, googled Wooyoung, and voila!

We like this song. A lot.

Also 2pm’s I’ll Be and My House. That’s what we’ve been listening to. And Never Ever by GOT7 because we all need a dash of Jinyoung, a pinch of JaeBum and a sprinkle of Jackson in our lives haha. You?

Raine
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Musical thoughts

I was browsing through some music videos and jokingly mentioned that I should’ve learned to play the bass so that I could stand around and twang a few strings. It might even have saved me all the trouble of taking acoustic guitar lessons with a guy who wasn’t qualified at all. “Guitar Center has, used bass guitars at a great price!” My friend piped in. I’m not underestimating bassists by any means. I really admire how cool they look when they have those basses in their hands. I’ve been thinking of picking up the guitar over summer, just because I love music and I want to learn a different type of creative arts.

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And then

After one year, I went to the free and anonymous anxiety screening session to find out if I really have anxiety or not.

Long story short, it was a completely useless event. An online search for anxiety survey would have saved me a trip if I had known that it would be nothing more than checking a few boxes with extremely broad questions and having a trainee psychologist stare at me in silence after asking me what I wanted to do.

The moment I sat down, she said, ‘hmm looks like your scores were low… you have some anxiety… so what do you want to do?’ And stared at me from behind her false eyelashes with a stupid condescending smile.

(Thank you, Captain Obvious, for stating that I have SOME anxiety. I could have told myself that too.)

And I’m like, ???????? She’s asking me?????

She continued, ‘There is individual counseling and then there’s group counseling. Which are you thinking of?’

(How the fudge am I supposed to choose when you have given me NO information. And do I have anxiety? What kind? Can I tell you my problems? Is that not what you are here for?)

She kept suggesting that I attend group counseling and when I asked her how I could do that, she said I could just call in.

If she bothered talking to me a while longer, she would know that I have social anxiety when it comes to phone calls. I avoid phone calls as much as I can.

‘Do you have any questions for me?’ she asked, not looking interested in answering any that I potentially had.

I asked her what types of anxiety there are, hoping the conversation would go somewhere.

Her reply: ‘social, phobia, general…’

No discussion of my scores, no ‘how are you doing’, or ‘what’s been on your mind lately’ or even the slightest comfort in any way. She was NOT warm, NOT welcoming, and certainly NOT helpful.

So that was messed up and I left, feeling shocked that those people can even be allowed to be psychologists or counselors. I have spoken to teachers, friends, and strangers who have offered me way better words of wisdom and comfort. I am concerned for the people who have larger mental health issues that saw those ‘counselors’ today.

But even though those people didn’t have anything to offer me, I kind of stumbled upon the kind of anxiety I might have. High functioning anxiety, is what it’s called. I don’t know how valid it is but I read several articles on it and I could relate to almost everything they said about high functioning anxiety (HFA).

At first, I doubted it because I looked at the statement about how people with HFA sometimes feel the need to leave a room full of people immediately without reason. I thought, I don’t do that. I don’t know who I was trying to kid but it suddenly hit me today that I certainly do that. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been at a social event and suddenly I turn to my sister (or myself if I’m there alone) and say, oh God, I want to leave right now. I need to leave right now. Can I leave now? And I would sometimes even feel sick.

I had no idea it was even a thing. I thought I was being over-the-top. I am type A, I always need to ‘go, go, go’, I don’t catch a break, I stretch myself so thin by taking on everything (omg this), I compartmentalize my emotions to the point of thinking that I’m fake with people because I can’t show my real self because people will hate me if I show them my real self, I always think I’m not good enough and not doing enough and letting people down.

This is me. Now I get it.

I have no real ending to this post but somehow knowing that there are people out there are feeling the same way I do makes me feel slightly better. And also, I guess after meeting such cold and unhelpful counselors. it makes me want to be the person people can come to, can feel safe around, can feel vulnerable around without feeling judged.

Please be kind.

Raine
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