you take my hand to guide me home
I am doing math.
No, I'm not. I'm here, blogging because my brain is tired. I think my brain is panting. Brain? Hello? Are you tired? I can feel you breathing down my neck. Math makes me seasick because the numbers are just swimming in my head and I keep drawing the wrong lines. I think I'm distracted by the fact that I need a new notebook STAT because I have a lot of things I want to do.
I don't get the basics, how do I get the advanced parts? Need a life jacket over here. Ah, yes, now I'm floating... Oh no, air is leaking out of the float and I'm sinking again. That is how I constantly feel when I'm doing math. Whatever math you name, I'll be lost in between.
I have things to do! I can't be looking at my math every single day! I need my notebook! *cries* Pen and paper doesn't feel the same anymoooore. I want my Microsoft Word. My phone has the Microsoft Word application but I'll be wearing my thumbs out if I type out 50000 words. No way I'm losing my thumbs to my insignificant phone.
You said it, brother. 
Anyways, I'm kind of at a loss for words again. I just want a new laptop and someone to help me unload my old hard disc into the new one. I want my old files back. Even though I told myself that it's nothing important and I can do everything again, I can't!! I need my things.
Okay, there's been too many 'I's used.
I should go and complete my homework now.
P.S: Baby (the beagle and no, that's not his real name) has a cute collar. He looks adorable but somehow the Green Day tie around his neck looked cuter. (:
x
what happened in between?
Because I was always labeled as useless, stupid, indecisive, lazy, a bum and a drama queen.
Only God knows what other names people call me.
But learning from disappointment comes from all these lovely nicknames.
I don't care.
I might have the longest strings of nicknames but I'm not who you think I am.
I've taken many bad falls but when I finally hope for something, sometimes just clinging on to some little bit of hope is wrong too. Tell me what's right then.
I'll be a broken shell before you know it and I know you'll never blame yourself.
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
That's probably my motto.
I don't care.
You'll never see me fall and beg.
x
but all I have is time
I took a handwriting test and this is what the results said:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.
Cool. This is so me.
I also took a drawing personality test:
You tend to pursue many different activities simultaneously. When misfortune does happen, it doesn't actually dishearten you all that much.
You are a direct and forthright person. You like to get to the core of the issue right away, with few signs of hesitation.
You like following the rules and being objective. You are precise and meticulous, and like to evaluate decisions before making them.
You have a sunny, cheerful disposition.
Mmm... I disagree with the third line. I'm not meticulous.
And:
You are:
- slightly expressed extravert
- moderately expressed intuitive personality
- moderately expressed feeling personality
- slightly expressed perceiving personality
I've always been interested in what my writing says about me. 
x
baby if I knew then what I know now
How I feel about Mondays. This is all you need to know.
Will be back into my depressed cage tomorrow. Don't bother trying to cheer me up. This whole year will be a disaster. I can't wait till 2011. So unhappy about the thought of Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Some of the weekends will probably suck too. My life would suck with/without you, yeah. 
P.S: R.I.P Chiquita Wheeler.
My advice to everybody: Don't go to school if you can help it. It drains your brain juice and takes away your youth.
x
I’m so sick of living for other people
This is about me. About me and my hatred towards the editorial board.
I submitted an article about Twilight and how it shouldn't be known as the Best Movie of 2009 and guess what, geniuses? It didn't go into the magazine. Instead, some bitch's (my friend of 11 years) plagiarized article about DEATH somehow worked its way into the magazine and is lying there flat out on solid white paper for everyone to read and praise. What the f*ck? I'm seriously pissed. That bitch whom I've known for 11 years is the worst person I've met in my entire life. I don't even know why I still talk to her. Oh, probably because of the society who will think me as stuck up and judgmental if I tell them the reason why she's such a bitch.
Now all these profanities are not spewing out from nowhere. They're coming from my angry and ripped soul. How could they do this to me? I mean I hate the school. I really hate it. I can't wait to break free and never look at it again but while I'm still there, I have to endure with all the shit they throw out. In my freshman year, I wrote a piece and they put it into the magazine. And last year I wrote one (this current one) and they didn't print it out. I only wrote it because I wanted people to see how my writing has matured. That's all. And they couldn't put it out.
WHY? Because they were too busy reading pieces of SHIT that they thought deserved to go into the oh-so-effing-grand glorious pages of their STUPID MAGAZINE. Yes. I am this angry. I am more than angry. I'm pissed! I write because I like to. I live to write, write to live and as corny as that sounds, it's true. I don't have to prove this to anyone but anyone who knows me can vouch for this. And that bitch who is some goth emo freak freaking Lord Blackwood (from Sherlock Holmes the movie) gets her article about death into the magazine? Mind you, I've read some of her writing before and she's a shitty writer. She doesn't even know simple words and there she is, throwing out big son of a gun sized words?
There are a few probable reasons as to why my piece didn't get onto the front page of the English section. One, because the person I submitted my article to didn't hand it in to the people because she's a big fan of Twilight and hates to see her beloved Edward Cullen being criticized. Two, the editorial board are big supporters of Twilight and hate to see me put out the truth so straightforwardly. Three, they're biased.
I'm wondering if I should write a piece this year to blast the school about their biased ways. Or maybe I shouldn't write at all. If I don't write to show my protest, no one would hear it. No one would know about it. No one would even care. I don't know.
Not considering slicing my wrists yet but we'll see. I might reach the exploding point... and I promised myself I wouldn't fall into this depressed nonsense.
x
Sorry for the foul language. You would too.
Happy New Year again!
I'm late. Yes, I know.
Sorry about that. A new year means new things to plan and organize. Been slightly busy with this and that but I'm here now. To blog... about New Year's day and whatnot.
First off,
May this year bring you joy, happiness, wealth, prosperity, good health, whatever whatever. All good things, that is. It's time to step out of 2009 and in to 2010. However crappy 2010 may turn out to be, remember that there's always next year. And by the way, I strongly disapprove of the people who keep insisting that the world will end in 2012. If it ends in 2012, so be it. Stop depressing everyone by saying that we'll be gone in 2 years time.
Anyways, 2010, here I come. The first two days of this new year have already proved to be... quite normal. I don't think I'll be saying that next week. I'll probably be busy, busy, busy but fear not, for I shall not forget thee, dear blog. Har har. Shakespeare, I am not. Forget my pathetic attempt at talking medieval language.
I don't have many resolutions this year but I found this and thought it summed up a few of my plans:
Yes. And to add to the list:
- Smile more.
- Try not to curse and swear too much.
- Try to actually finish my assignments on time.
- Give my dog more attention so that he won't be so deprived and won't feel the need to run away like a silly mutt. Okay, that was unkind. I take that back...
- Tolerate more nonsense from people I hate dislike.
- Uh... do something useful with my life.
- Try not to wish for the year to end quickly seeing as it's hardly been two days since the new year.
- Complain less.
And yeah, that about sums up what I plan to do this year.
What do you plan to do?
We watched the fireworks display from the usual rooftop this year and it was amazing though I don't think it was anything great compared to all the other ones I saw on CNN. LOL. The grass on the other side always looks greener, I guess.
This is not the real picture. I just nipped it from Bing images.
And... apart from New Year's day, nothing much has been going on. Same old, same old.
I've been invited to a friend's birthday barbecue party. I'm wondering if I should go. I feel awkward at social events. I mean, I'm not unsociable... I just don't fit in because I'm not like everybody else. And I hate buying birthday presents for people because it's a hassle. I must sound pretty mean but seriously though, birthday parties and buying birthday presents are not fun things to do.
Oh, by the way,
I went grocery shopping with my mom on New Year's Eve.
School's gonna suck. Oh well. Nothing new there.
That's probably it from me today or is it tomorrow already? Ah well.
Love and peace, T.
i can’t turn this around, i keep running into walls
You know what?
I think I'm a genius. I keep picking out crazy books. My keen eye for books has been too eager, leading me to make mistakes I shouldn't have made. But then again, that's where you learn from. The bloody mistakes you wish you could take back after you realize how stupid you've been.
Sigh. I've just read one of the most complicated books ever to be written. It's by Ann Brashares and it's called The Last Summer of you and me. And it's just nuts. I'm having a headache after reading it and I'm not even half way through. This shows how much brain power I've used to understand what's going on. Or not. It's probably just the bad lighting in my room. The lighting that my family has been worrying about for my sake.
Example 1:
Dad comes into the room and looks at me, reading. He stands there for a moment, hand on his hip then goes: Are you trying to spoil your eyes? or Is this light bright enough? Do you want me to bring in the reading lamp?
No, thanks Dad.
Example 2:
Then, aunt sits down on the bed and looks down at me for a while. She goes, Why don't you angle yourself this way so that your shadow isn't blocking the words? It's not bright enough in here.
So yeah. That light is probably giving this headache. Bleh! :/
Anyways, I was talking about the book. Yeah. It's complicated. It has too much tiny, microscopic detail of everything about everything. You know what I mean? First it's in the past then it's in the future then it's about the past again. There's too much history, too much detailed emotion, too much craziness about coming home and going away. There isn't much of a story like that anyway. Should've known but I was blinded by... my greed to devour good books.
And I never did like The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants because I found it kind of stupid but I know a lot of people love it. It's... twisted and written by the same author. Maybe I don't know how to appreciate it. Maybe I don't think like those people who reviewed it as amazing, unputdownable, deep, funny?, a good book to read during summer. Maybe I'm just too childish for 'mature' books. I don't know.
So... any fans of Ann Brashares here? I'd gladly sell this book off to you. Brand new and looks new. Um, oh great, there's a movie coming out for it too. Um, exclude me? Thanks.
x
Why you wanna tell me how to live my life?
Can you stop controlling people's lives, for the love of God? Can you just stop and look at your own pathetic life and the people you have pushed away? Can you just look at yourself? Buy a mirror and look at your own reflection. Who are you? Are you happy? Sure, God dammit, you might be over the moon now but when you're old and there are no more stupid people to lick your boots or cling onto, you're going to be wishing you'd rather been unhappy then than be unhappy now.
Everyone started out loving you. Yes, blind ass, loving you. Because they thought you were their friend, their other half, their father, their uncle, their nephew and for crying out loud, their hero. Then everyone started to hate you. Because you're pathetic and the best thing you do is make people's life miserable. You don't give a damn about your family, extended or not. You're bad at judging people and you have no right to tell people how to judge others. You believe the words that liars, backstabbers and lunatics tell you. But you don't believe your family.
Well, that just shows what kind of person you are. You push away all the people who want to care for you and you don't even care. You don't believe what they have to say. You'd rather trust outsiders than your own family. Who even does that? When your family speaks, you tell them they're too critical and rude and selfish and irrational and scold them for that. In reality, they speak the truth that they feel should be said. And then when outsiders bullshit to you, you drink it all in.
You like to jeer and criticize and embarrass your family in public. You like to point out their weaknesses in public. You like to scold them in public. To you, everyone who is not your family is perfect. Don't you know that you're embarrassing yourself??? You stoop so low to humiliate them just to let people see how disappointing your family is but in the end, the people will go home and talk about you. And why you're so damned retarded to do all that.
And the best part is: your family puts up with you.
You're a big fat pathetic mess and you'll never learn to appreciate those who have loved you and cared for you until it's too late. No one's going to be there to say I TOLD YOU SO.
I'm saying this from the outside view.
The name-calling has got to stop. Once gone, forever gone. Said it once, said it twice, don't make me pull the trigger.
x
tryna erase you from my mind
If you've been reading our Tweets, I said: We often give advice without listening to ourselves.
I actually noticed how true that was one day and I've started thinking before giving advice. Most of the time. I have to listen to myself first if not, how am I going to advise people? Hypocrite would be a meaner word, actually but I'm not using it. For example, we tell them, "You expect an old man to change his ways? He won't." And there we are, expecting change we'll never see.
And by the way, have you noticed that you get hungrier when you're eating unhappily??? I don't know. I think it's true. My new philosophy which I should be given credit to. It's like when I'm at home, I get hungry a few hours after dinner. When I'm on vacation, I'm okay even waaaay after an early dinner. I can stay up till past midnight and not have to look around for a snack. When I come back from holiday, I get hungry again. What do you say? Is it psychological because I swear I've never thought about it till today.
We all have to find our release point. We have to know what helps us feel better. Some people cry all day then they get okay after that. Some people scribble everything into their diaries. Some people scream it all out at no one. Then there's me. I don't know if anybody does this but I write my sad and frustrated and angry parts into my stories. I make put my characters in my shoes. It might not be exactly the way I feel or the way it happened but the gist is there and that's enough for me. I can write a whole lot of bullshit but when I come to the emotional part, you know it's me, writing from my burdened soul. (Man, I sound like some emo poet.)
There's no point in pretending something that made us sad or angry didn't happen. It'll only make us nuts. No, seriously, can we all stop acting like nothing happened then later give an outburst and everything pours out? Yeah, that sucks and I honestly don't know why I would give a shit about that.
When I get my first decent paycheck, I'm going to keep half of it to send some people off to stress therapy. They need it. Most of us who live in the city need it. Please don't drive yourself up the walls. No one can help you if you do. No one can help you even if they want to.
And lastly, I can't take everyone's burden and also I'm not the type to walk away from someone when they're venting out anger, frustration, misery, whatever the F they vent. I will listen and I would love to lend an ear to you but sometimes when it gets to the point when my ears want to bleed, I feel like hurling myself at a wall. Where's that person who will take my burden when the world comes down??? *heaves a huge sigh which you will probably hear even from the furthest corner of the earth*
P.S: This is NOT about you. Will everyone just read it as advice? Thanks.
x
By the way, has anyone read The Making of Mia?!?!?
It's the lousiest piece of crap I've ever read in my entire life. It's about some fat chick (I don't have anything against fat chicks and I'm not the slimmest piece of model) who gets a job at some magazine company and is constantly being ridiculed and humiliated then she gets fired. She decides to plot revenge against her ex-boss by - are you ready for it? get this straight - having a complete makeover. She goes under the laser to correct her boobs (WTF?), her nose (Hello, Lady Gaga!), her lips and whatever the hell it is she wants to correct. And she loses weight.
What the serious eff? I'm not being rude, I'm just stumped by how stupid a plot like that can help with anything except make you who you're not supposed to be. It's like having a new face!!! You're not you anymore! WTF is the point in being born as yourself then?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Spaz! C and I decided that it's a lousy piece of sh-t book and I'm going to sell it to anyone who wants to read it.
I'm sorry if you like it. I don't.
x
merrychristmasmerrychristmasmerrychristmasmerrychristmasmerrychristmas!
Merry Christmas, folks! Be safe, eat lots o' turkey and bless y'all! 
Wishing you all peace, love, joy and happiness and wealth and prosperity and everything good in the year to come.
Happy Holidays!!!
Remember to spread the love and joy! Sharing is caring. Giving and taking is essential. Good manners at the table is important. Cheer up if you're snowed in. Santa paid me a visit last night. He said he doesn't appreciate the bitten gingerbread man I left out for him. Sorry, big guy. I did tell you that I wasn't going to wish for Nickolas Don Wheeler this Xmas.
Love y'all.
x
i’m tired of using technology
So.. who ran into an old friend at the gym today?
I did. Here's how it went:
I'm just minding my own business, cycling without my music player (because my music player spluttered to death two weeks ago) and watching the news about professional athletes who only have one arm when the door opens and in walks this guy in a white T-shirt and shorts.
Oh, crap! My heart lurches into my throat once I recognize who he is. Gawd, I haven't seen the guy in a year and four months and now suddenly he steps into my gym? Well, not really my gym but I go there enough times to call it mine. So, anyway, I don't panic because he's just an old schoolmate. Nothing new there... except I don't want to run into friends when I'm working out!!!! I'm all sweaty and yucky and not that I'm a narcissist but nobody wants to look horrible in front of anybody.
I turn back to CNN, hoping that he hasn't caught sight of me then I assure myself that he doesn't recognize me because he's not that close of a friend to me anyway. I continue cycling before I hop off to tell my mom. My mom, I noticed, has already given him a disgusted look because obviously he's done something stupid. You have no idea how many people do stupid things at the gym because they don't know how to use the gym equipment.
I cross over to my mom who's doing some weights and tell her in a whisper, "Shaun is here. Old schoolmate, you know. Nick's best friend?" My mom knows who he is. Of course she does. I tell her all about the antics in school.
And we - or rather I - ignored him for the rest of the time until we decided to leave and he happened to be doing weights at the door. I noticed him giving me glances in the mirror. I just know he's thinking in that head of his, "Oh my god. She looks familiar. Where have I seen her before? Do I know her?" And that's because no one remembers me. I've never done anything heroic or stupid or anything to get me particularly noticed because I don't do that.
So I'm forced to say hi to him.
Me (peering at him closely because he's not looking up): Um?
Shaun boy looks up and his eyes light up with some recognition.
Me (meaning to say Hi Shaun to prove that I can remember his name): Hi.
Shaun boy stands up and plucks his earphones out of his ears. He gives me the 'umm, I don't really remember but I recognize you from somewhere' look.
Me (making it clear for him in words): You don't remember me, do you?
Shaun boy (hurriedly): I do remember you... (there's always a BUT and you know it) ... I just don't remember your name.
Me (thinking to myself): I know you don't remember me. Nobody does. Did I expect you to know it even if you did sit beside me for a few classes and copied my homework and said I was a good writer? Honestly, a big fat NO when I see that expression on your face.
Me (aloud): * (my name)
Shaun boy: Ah yes. (snaps fingers and tells me the class that we were in. Obviously, he doesn't catch my name but won't admit it.)
Me (because I know he didn't catch my name): (tells him my last name since all the bad boys in my class used to call me by my last name because ... because... hmm.. I don't know why. I guess I was kind of tomboyish and didn't put up with their nonsense so they took me as a guy?? I don't know. I should've asked. I'll ask next time IF I see him again.)
Shaun boy: Mmhmm...
Me (in my head): F---! What the hell is wrong with you people? I talk to you, you don't remember my name and give me stupid responses which make me seem desperate to acknowledge you in the first place. I'm not desperate, dammit! When I don't acknowledge you people, you think I'm stuck up. This is so screwed and I'm being humiliated in front of my mom's lecherous gym buddy.
Me (aloud): So how've you been?
Shaun boy: Good, good. (Thanks for the highly exciting reply!) I'm on break now.
Me: On break? (because really, what else can I say?)
Shaun boy: Yeah.
*Awkward silence as we both give a nod, not knowing what to say.
Me (decide to just cut the small talk and go home instead): Yeah, well... (gestures behind at my mom who's waiting for me)
Shaun boy finally understands this I-want-to-cut-the-convo-short-because-this-is-weird-shit gesture and nods, smiling at my mom as a hello.
Me (grabbing the door handle and pulling it open so that I can leave already): Okay, um, bye. (gives a pained smile)
Shaun boy beams at my mom (whom his best friend Nick thinks is hot. I know. He thinks my mom is hot... what a freaking weirdo. On the other hand, my mom is hot): Bye.
Then my mom and I leave, leaving him to do his stupid weights. It's unfair of calling weights stupid but whatever. I hate talking to people who make me feel like weirdos.
I remember your name. You have no excuses not to. And don't give me that innocent look. Even my mom thinks that you're a jerk for not remembering me. Thanks, mom. :/
So anyway, hello to you Shaun boy.
It seemed as though you didn't know me at all and much as I hate to admit it, not being recognized sucks.. I still remember each and every one of the people who were close enough to me to be remembered. I'm definitely not on Shaun boy's list. Oh well.. I was never the flirty, damsel-in-distress chick and it seems that the guys I know don't like girls who can stand up for themselves.
Story of my life.
x
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You said it brother.
x
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