“You know when you fear something, you can’t stand the thought of it whenever something reminds you of it? Yes, I’m sure you do. But many people do not understand this fear.
They don’t understand why you have chosen to move and why you strongly reject when someone says something about them moving too. Small movements remind you, tiny gestures trigger off the panic alarm in your head, words take you back to that instant. You can’t move. You can’t hold back. It’s too close. It’s crazy and you wish you could wash it all away. Unfortunately you can’t take back things that have already happened.
It’s terrible to live with regret and pain. Forgiving and forgetting is even worse. How do people do it? It’s easier said than done. You see yourself doing it but when you try to do it, you just stop. You freeze, the words and actions getting stuck. You can’t. It’s too close. It’s roaring like a freight train in your head. Forgiving is way better than forgetting. How can you forget something like that? It’s like a parent beating a child. The memory will forever be etched there whether or not the kid likes it. The same applies for many things.
And when you sleep, you curl up. You pull your knees up to your middle and try to make yourself as small as possible. And you can’t do anything about the things flashing by in your mind. You know you have to handle it and you have to tell someone but what if those people you count on are on the other side? And what if the cause of this is someone you know and have known all your life and can’t just walk away from?
You’re trapped and the only person you can confess to is someone who doesn’t have the power to change things for the better? You can sit there and cry and scream and complain and do anything but no one is on your side. No one believes it. No one actually knows that you’re still afraid. They think it’s nothing big. They think you’ve gotten over it. They didn’t see how serious it was when you finally broke down in the car and screamed everything out.
What are you going to do? You’re going to wait it out. You’re going to hope your heart and mind heals quickly. You’re going to hope that that person disappears. Things take time. But every time you’re reminded of it, you just – you just – you just want to lose it. You just want to close your eyes and stop yourself from crying even though the tears are spilling. And sometimes you cry inside your heart because you can’t afford to show anyone how much it hurts.”
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Lifehouse – Broken.
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out
I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they’re still looking for life
I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
I’m barely holdin’ on to you
I’m hangin’ on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way home
I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’),
I’m barely holdin’ on to you
I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’),
I’m barely holdin’ on to you
x
Philosophical at my best. This is for you.
x
