High-low Wednesday

Today I’m upset. I’m upset over a few things.

I obviously didn’t have anything better to do with my 2-hour break today and at first spent it doodling on a piece of paper and having a laugh to myself over my drawings. Then it started unraveling.

If I think hard enough about the reason why I started getting more and more upset, it’s probably because today in class, I joined in on a conversation with some classmates and then later realized that I suck at making friends. Why? Because I suck at being myself. Why? Because I’ve closed myself off to people. Why? Because, once upon a time, I was randomly backstabbed by the first friend I made in elementary school and it has left me scarred.

And it didn’t occur to me that that incident had left such a great impact on me until today. I mean, I knew it did but I didn’t know that it had become a freaking domino effect that would end up hurting who I am today.

Here’s the story about the backstabbing incident: this ‘friend’ of mine was telling me nasty things about another girl (let’s call her X). We were librarians, by the way. Also, we were in 6th grade, I think. I just sat there, listening. I was like, okay, rant away. I was her friend. I was there to listen to her, right? I just nodded and probably said yeah twice.

A few days later, I was confronted by some other librarian girls and asked why I said nasty things about X. And I’m like ??? Whuuuut ??? I told them I didn’t say those things. Said ‘friend’ was also in that little group that came to confront me, pretending that she was shocked by the situation. Um, probably should’ve punched her in the gut right then, right?

Instead, I realized that I’d been falsely accused and backstabbed by my own ‘friend’. So I said outright, well, ‘friend’ told me those things. I didn’t say them. She did; I just listened.

And what do you know? Because of said ‘friend’s excellent drama and natural bootlicking skills, nobody believed me. LOL. I should’ve known that nothing good would come out of changing schools the previous year. All the people – students and teachers – in that school were – and most definitely probably still are – jerks and assholes.

I don’t know why she did it. It’s not like we fought or anything. I just chalk it up to some people being cruel assholes who revel in other people’s misery.

My so-called ‘friend’ decided it wasn’t enough to just backstab me for no apparent reason; she decided to leave anonymous hate mail in my desk every day (probably feeling hella guilty; just kidding, she seems to be incapable of guilt). Cool. I had no idea who was doing it or why and all the time, said ‘friend’ pretended to be shocked and vowed to help me find out who was doing mean things to me. Um, WHY was she even still talking to me at that point? I have NO idea.

Well, anyway, to summarize the story, said ‘friend’ later confessed that it had been her sending me hate mail all along. She apologized. I don’t remember what I said. She never apologized for accusing me of saying those bad things.

You naive idiot, was what I told myself later on in high school after we went our separate ways. You big fat trusting stupid fool.

I began to recall all the incidents when said ‘friend’ had backstabbed me during earlier years. She dumped me like a hot potato for ‘cooler’ friends in 4th grade and I had thought NOTHING of that. Wow me. Wow.

So this naive idiot shut all the doors and build herself a nice tall fortress to hide behind. Alright, you can call me Elsa. Just kidding. I make fun of closing myself off to people and not trusting ‘friends’ anymore but it’s not fun. It’s not fun at all. It sucks.

Till this day, somehow, I’m still Facebook friends with this backstabber. Every year she still posts happy birthday messages on my wall and every time I read them, I think to myself or say out loud: FAKE SHIT.

Today was one of those days when I asked myself WHY? Why are you even still friends on Facebook with someone like her? I mean, I hardly even ever use Fb anymore but when I do log on, she’s there on my feed. And I hate it.

Have I forgiven her? Yes. But I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. And the monk that I talked to (read: choked out unintelligible words to while sobbing grossly) told me: don’t do stupid things. I asked her what that meant. These lines from this article explain it all and is basically what the monk told me:

Being patient and compassionate does not mean you let people take advantage of you. It does not mean that you allow other people to harm and beat you up. That is stupidity, not compassion!

Which makes sense. I was a friend to her and I was also soft so she saw a chance to use me as a scapegoat. Well, dang, you messed with the wrong girl.

You might ask, if you’ve forgiven her, then why can’t you still be Fb friends with her? You don’t have to talk to her, right? You are most certainly correct. But I think it’s toxic to continue pretending that there’s still some kind of neutral/mutual feeling left. Nope. None. Friends, we are not. Also, there she is, on Fb, being ‘BFFs’ with another friend of mine whom I used to be close to (another story, that one). It kind of sickens me because I know she will backstab again.

Which brings me back to the point I want to make in this post. The more I thought about her and what she had done and how it had affected my school life, the angrier I got.

I announced to my sister: ‘When I go home today, I’m going to delete her from Fb.’

And my sister was like, whoa where did that come from?

I wanted to come home and delete ALL the people that I don’t talk to or barely even know. I have like 100 friends on there, 3/4 of which I can’t even call friends. I need to spring clean the crap out of my Fb friends, I thought to myself. I will.

I have let this person subconsciously affect my life. Enough of this shit. Is it going to be easy to let those walls down? No. Is it worth a shot? Yeah. I may slip and stumble along the way and want to retreat further into my shell – already do, no kidding – but I can’t keep hiding in here if I want to make friends.

So here’s to spring-cleaning your ‘friend’ list and getting rid of the garbage that was weighing you down.

The second thing that set me off today was the geology textbook I was reading. After a fascinating lecture about what the Earth is made of (and I thank my mom for introducing me to geology at an early age), I found myself a table to study at while waiting for my next class. Inspired by today’s topic, I decided to read ahead but found it hard to wrap my head around all the complicated theories that my professor usually simplifies to make it easier to understand.

So I flipped back to previous chapters that we had already covered. Trust me to zoom right into the extinction subheading. The more I read, the more upset I got. Why? Because it was about how humans are causing the next big wave of extinction. I don’t know if the statistics are correct in the book but it said that soon, hundreds of species will die out every day in the next 20 to 30 years.

The textbook also said that the destruction of rain forests causes the most extinction because that’s where most of the species can be found. There was even a picture of a gorgeous tiger with a caption about how tigers are going extinct. I have always had a soft spot for tigers so that was upsetting to read. It was all just downright depressing.

I sat there, thinking of how selfish human beings are and wondering why we can’t all just co-exist peacefully on Earth. I cried.

I feel sorry for all the animals and nature being wiped out and at the same time, I feel sorry for the human beings who are obsessed with making profit and not giving a shit about anything but themselves.

You know what’s even sadder? That people don’t care. Who even gives a damn about tigers going extinct? Who gives a damn about people slicing fins off sharks and throwing them back into the ocean to die? Who is bothered about future generations not being able to see majestic wildlife? WHO? Except for environmentalists, some experts, and a handful of people who realize that this is an effing big problem, who?

I can’t even read news about people hunting near-extinct animals like rhinos and sharks. Stop it. Just stop it.

People are shallow these days (maybe more so than ever though I could be wrong). I’m not generalizing but I have met SO many unbelievably selfish and self-absorbed people. What do people even care about these days other than perpetually scrolling through their Instagram feed to like pretty pictures or celeb selfies or inspirational quotes that don’t do shit for you if you don’t even practice what you ‘like’? Do people even think about what they actually LIKE about the picture or how the picture makes them feel before double-tapping the screen? I look around in college and see that if people are not texting, they’re on Instagram. Always.

People nowadays are also more concerned about outer appearance aka superficial crap. I love me a beautifully-shot photo but I also don’t mind a picture taken with a 2 megapixel camera phone. Both canĀ  be equally beautiful if the content is meaningful. Which subsequently kind of begs the question, why do people ‘like’ beautiful photos of nature when they can’t even play their part in protecting flora and fauna on Earth??? Outer appearance also means looks. Why can’t complimenting be not based on looks only in many instances? Why can’t people see past looks and say things like, ‘You have a great laugh’ or ‘I like that you’re patient’?

These are just examples. I’m not bashing Instagram or claiming that I don’t like good photographs. People need to dig a bit deeper into their cores and think for themselves what is important and what is not. You are important but it shouldn’t always be ‘me, myself, and I’.

I’m not trying to say that we should all drop what we’re doing and adopt an animal or devote our lives to preserving the environment. I’m just saying that if we all cared a teensy weensy bit more about things bigger than ourselves, it would make a whole world of change. That’s achievable, I should think.

Have I made sense in this post? I sure hope so. Having taken an astronomy class and now taking a geology class has really opened my eyes to so many important things. In astronomy, you learn that there are things waaaaaay bigger out there, time and space are seemingly incomprehensible concepts to wrap your head around, and you are smaller than a speck (pale blue dot, anyone?). In geology, you learn that the Earth is pretty much all humans have (at least right now), things are changing all the time, there’s still so much to learn about our planet and we need to take care of what we have now.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.

As to why this post is entitled ‘high-low’, it’s because my professor wears a high-low polo shirt and totally rocks it.

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