Today I’m upset. I’m upset over a few things.
I obviously didn’t have anything better to do with my 2-hour break today and at first spent it doodling on a piece of paper and having a laugh to myself over my drawings. Then it started unraveling.
If I think hard enough about the reason why I started getting more and more upset, it’s probably because today in class, I joined in on a conversation with some classmates and then later realized that I suck at making friends. Why? Because I suck at being myself. Why? Because I’ve closed myself off to people. Why? Because, once upon a time, I was randomly backstabbed by the first friend I made in elementary school and it has left me scarred.
And it didn’t occur to me that that incident had left such a great impact on me until today. I mean, I knew it did but I didn’t know that it had become a freaking domino effect that would end up hurting who I am today.
Here’s the story about the backstabbing incident: this ‘friend’ of mine was telling me nasty things about another girl (let’s call her X). We were librarians, by the way. Also, we were in 6th grade, I think. I just sat there, listening. I was like, okay, rant away. I was her friend. I was there to listen to her, right? I just nodded and probably said yeah twice.
A few days later, I was confronted by some other librarian girls and asked why I said nasty things about X. And I’m like ??? Whuuuut ??? I told them I didn’t say those things. Said ‘friend’ was also in that little group that came to confront me, pretending that she was shocked by the situation. Um, probably should’ve punched her in the gut right then, right?
Instead, I realized that I’d been falsely accused and backstabbed by my own ‘friend’. So I said outright, well, ‘friend’ told me those things. I didn’t say them. She did; I just listened.
And what do you know? Because of said ‘friend’s excellent drama and natural bootlicking skills, nobody believed me. LOL. I should’ve known that nothing good would come out of changing schools the previous year. All the people – students and teachers – in that school were – and most definitely probably still are – jerks and assholes.
I don’t know why she did it. It’s not like we fought or anything. I just chalk it up to some people being cruel assholes who revel in other people’s misery.
My so-called ‘friend’ decided it wasn’t enough to just backstab me for no apparent reason; she decided to leave anonymous hate mail in my desk every day (probably feeling hella guilty; just kidding, she seems to be incapable of guilt). Cool. I had no idea who was doing it or why and all the time, said ‘friend’ pretended to be shocked and vowed to help me find out who was doing mean things to me. Um, WHY was she even still talking to me at that point? I have NO idea.
Well, anyway, to summarize the story, said ‘friend’ later confessed that it had been her sending me hate mail all along. She apologized. I don’t remember what I said. She never apologized for accusing me of saying those bad things.
You naive idiot, was what I told myself later on in high school after we went our separate ways. You big fat trusting stupid fool.
I began to recall all the incidents when said ‘friend’ had backstabbed me during earlier years. She dumped me like a hot potato for ‘cooler’ friends in 4th grade and I had thought NOTHING of that. Wow me. Wow.
So this naive idiot shut all the doors and build herself a nice tall fortress to hide behind. Alright, you can call me Elsa. Just kidding. I make fun of closing myself off to people and not trusting ‘friends’ anymore but it’s not fun. It’s not fun at all. It sucks.
Till this day, somehow, I’m still Facebook friends with this backstabber. Every year she still posts happy birthday messages on my wall and every time I read them, I think to myself or say out loud: FAKE SHIT.
Today was one of those days when I asked myself WHY? Why are you even still friends on Facebook with someone like her? I mean, I hardly even ever use Fb anymore but when I do log on, she’s there on my feed. And I hate it.
Have I forgiven her? Yes. But I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. And the monk that I talked to (read: choked out unintelligible words to while sobbing grossly) told me: don’t do stupid things. I asked her what that meant. These lines from this article explain it all and is basically what the monk told me:
Being patient and compassionate does not mean you let people take advantage of you. It does not mean that you allow other people to harm and beat you up. That is stupidity, not compassion!
Which makes sense. I was a friend to her and I was also soft so she saw a chance to use me as a scapegoat. Well, dang, you messed with the wrong girl.
You might ask, if you’ve forgiven her, then why can’t you still be Fb friends with her? You don’t have to talk to her, right? You are most certainly correct. But I think it’s toxic to continue pretending that there’s still some kind of neutral/mutual feeling left. Nope. None. Friends, we are not. Also, there she is, on Fb, being ‘BFFs’ with another friend of mine whom I used to be close to (another story, that one). It kind of sickens me because I know she will backstab again.
Which brings me back to the point I want to make in this post. The more I thought about her and what she had done and how it had affected my school life, the angrier I got.
I announced to my sister: ‘When I go home today, I’m going to delete her from Fb.’
And my sister was like, whoa where did that come from?
I wanted to come home and delete ALL the people that I don’t talk to or barely even know. I have like 100 friends on there, 3/4 of which I can’t even call friends. I need to spring clean the crap out of my Fb friends, I thought to myself. I will.
I have let this person subconsciously affect my life. Enough of this shit. Is it going to be easy to let those walls down? No. Is it worth a shot? Yeah. I may slip and stumble along the way and want to retreat further into my shell – already do, no kidding – but I can’t keep hiding in here if I want to make friends.
So here’s to spring-cleaning your ‘friend’ list and getting rid of the garbage that was weighing you down.