Excuse me for the truthful and sadistic post ahead. I’m feeling rather rebellious now.

So I was watching these live videos of Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift and it sparked an old, abandoned interest of mine…

Guitars, chords and picks.

I know, I know. It’s so absurd. But I can’t seem to completely forget about guitars. I haven’t even gotten over the fact that I’ve gone through all that and yet I still fail again and again. There are (oh, only I know how many) days when I wish I could pick up that rotting guitar in the corner, attempt to tune it and start playing all over again. I guess I’m still an even bigger kid at heart than the outside because I still hope that I’ll be a rockstar someday. Two years have passed and my dreams are the same about the same thing. I know this is pretty lame and typical of me (because all my friends want to be singers and stuff like that…), but dreams are made to be dreamed of by dreamers. Knowing this makes me feel a little… good? because it shows that I haven’t given up all my hopes.

Ah, guitars. I hate them so much that I feel like ripping up all the music sheets in jealousy and anger yet I love them so much that I want to cradle them in my arms and play until my fingers have callouses again. I remember being really proud of the first sign of callouses on my fingers because I thought that it was the ultimate symbol or landmark of playing the guitar. Unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking straight. You can’t be great just because your skin peels off. Right?! But I really miss those stuff… When I had to lift my right knee higher to support the guitar, when I plucked a string and real music came sang from the guitar, and when I pressed down those strings really hard until I felt like crying in defeat because I couldn’t get the chords right.

I miss the weirdest stuff, don’t I?

Every time I go near the 2-year-old guitar, I feel like bringing it out just to touch that lovely wood and silver strings but I always back away because I’m reminded of how it felt to lose to everything related to guitars. See this love-hate relationship I have with stuff? Talking about guitars again… it’s like spilling all my secret hopes out. Yes, I still secretly hope that one day when I wake up on the morning of my birthday, I find a guitar (preferably a black one, but not a Takamine anymore), bathed in sunlight, waiting for me. Maybe not the sunlight part but it would be really cool. I can’t believe I was so close to getting one but backtracked so quickly. It was within my reach! I would’ve regretted it, though. To be honest, I didn’t and don’t deserve a guitar. Not now and not yet, at least. Someday. Someday when I’m good enough and when I’ve proved myself to be worthy of instruments. Someday when I can sing while play (after I get over my stage fright). Someday when I can switch chords without looking down.

Being an on-and-off fan of Taylor Swift, you probably already know that all girls who love Taylor will look up to her and act as if she’s the goddess of heartbreaks, relationships, songs and guitars. I do admire her talent in music and her love for guitars. It’s just amazing to know that she’s been playing since such a young age. Unbelievable. It makes me wish that I could play and sing as wonderfully as her. Of course, I can’t really sing like her because my voice can’t reach simple high pitches and I definitely can’t play guitar better than her but maybe I’ll be as good as her one day.

I always think of how I’ll start playing the guitar again during the holidays but it never happens because there are so many plans, so much work and so many dreams that I’m chasing after. Even if I had the chance, I wouldn’t. I’m a shy person when it comes to doing important things openly. I don’t take critics very well but I’m learning.

But then again, the bad side comes out when I begin this whole phase again. The unreachable chord problem. The cause? Short fingers! I used to think that my fingers were long but guitar just changes a lot of things. Chords that can’t be pressed. Frustration. Anger. Sadness. Envy. Regret. Slow strumming, fast strumming, bad strumming. Strumming patterns that aren’t even stated in how-to-play videos. Able to play but unable to sing. Palm-muting problems. Looking at the bad side makes it all so dizzy and so wrong. Argh, patience and concentration!

One day, I want to accomplish whatever I’ve just said. It would be a real dream come true.

If I had the time; if I had the right amount of patience; if I look on the bright side and forget the bad side; if it ever happens, it’d be a blessing, a surprise, a success, an accomplishment. Wishful thinking.

Oh, here I go again. Going on and on about my thoughts, complaining, hoping, wishing, moping and just saying. I gotta do something to make it happen, right? In a few more hundred days… or, who knows, a thousand days.

Almost a thousand words of the same old topic that I’ve been talking and thinking about for the past two years.

I can only sit and wish for the future now.