I deserve better.
“O-kay. Here we go again. Round (hmm, let me borrow some fingers and toes) 865532.
WOOOOOO!! Fun ride again. I’m impressed by the new nicknames.
So while he can use all the foul words in this world on us, I can’t say a single word? Wowwwwza! Score for me! I see more and more justice in this world. And you can even laugh at his profanity-stringed jokes and then say that we are crude? I’m not one to say who you can scold but even a blind man could see the crookedness of your judgments.
I’m childish, I know I am, and you can say it if you like. I’m kinda getting immune to all this. Should really listen to C and observe absolute silence even when we’re being accused and scolded and lectured and abused(???). But I guess I’m just the type of person who can’t keep my mouth shut! I like being involved and I just can’t not care. Dammit, why am I such a stupid caring and emotional person? And when I care, I get it all slammed right back into my face and get called ‘unappreciative’. O-kay!
Oh, and I’m not sly enough to quickly change the direction of the conversation to make me sound brilliant. I sure should pick up on those skills so that I can get away with anything. NAAAAAASSSTY! I should be all like, “OHHH, ERRR, she looks like she’s having a change of heart” when being lectured for spilling out lots of unnecessary information. Then you’ll go, “REALLY?” and then the conversation will be directed away to other things. LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
And I’m sooooo sorry I’m not good with the FAKE apologies. It’s just not me. I’d rather not apologize than spit out ‘sorry’s whenever I need you back. LOL!!! Funny! And I’m sooooo sorry I’m not sneaky enough to get back into your good books by filling the blue pail then leaving the red pail empty. Bet no one noticed that… Hmm… Well, instead of noticing that, you give him a big pat on the back and congratulate him for learning to be more responsible. GOOD JOB! And I’m soooooo sorry I haven’t learned the skills of fake suicide and running away. That really got me laughing. Like HEEHAWWWW.
And we’re always in the wrong, aren’t we? No matter what we do or say, we’ll always be in the wrong. Sorry I can’t be perfect like that lil angel who will prolly stab you in the back one day. It’s teaching me to shut my mouth and not speak a word even though I’m right.
When I wash the damned dishes and actually put effort into doing something, it hardly gets recognized. When he manages (with your help, of course) to cook something, we’re expected to praise him and all sorts of shit. I don’t take it so well. When he vacuums the room, we’re accused for not helping and being ungrateful that he has done all the work (then complains about a backache later). Maybe I need the recognition every time I do something worthy. Maybe I live for recognition. But don’t we all sometimes? When he does something stupid and f-ed up, you ignore it. I ain’t giving out no more secrets cuz one day when the big bomb falls onto you, I ain’t gonna be there to say I TOLD YOU SO.
I’m also disappointed. All this anger and misery and biting sarcasm is actually budding from my disappointment. You tell me that you weren’t talking about that. Well, I was. I still am. Whyyy? Because it’s been eating at me (mentally) for a whole year now and I’m still not over it. Much as I want to be okay and skipping happily again, there are some dark periods of time when the incident just replays over and over in my head and I feel un-okay.
Do you even know how it feels? To lie in bed and not notice you’re grinding your teeth because you’re angry at what happened? To lie in bed and subtly pull the sheets up as if to fend off your fear? To jerk awake when you hear sounds that sound like that person walking in? To dodge out of the way (while the incident replays in your mind) when you pass that person by in a narrow space? To close your eyes and want to die when you think a bit too far? To listen to that voice and feel the pit of your stomach stir with unease and sudden anger? To flinch inwardly when that person comes a little too close? To slam the bathroom door shut when you hear that person approaching? To feel your head tighten and your hands twitch when that person decides it’s fun to suddenly appear in the middle of the night? To pretend that you’re fine and okay to be around that person? To feel as if you can’t see the sunlight anytime soon? Do you?
No. You don’t have the slightest clue. You think it’s a joke; you think I’m making it up; you think I’m just being a drama queen; you think I’m exaggerating; you think it’s FUNNY.
And it saddened me to hear you telling me that wasn’t the point. It’s a really big thing to me and you just shoved it right back at me as if I was telling you a bad joke. The only person I trusted to understand how I felt pushed me away. Do you know how that feels? The only person I love and want to be loved back by pushed me away. Just when I finally had the guts to admit how I really felt, you turned me away. It took me a year and over the year, I’ve been talking to C, telling her everything. And she told me to tell you and every time I tried to, I couldn’t. C gave me advice, told me things I wanted to hear, told me that it’d be better if I told you, told me that I’d go bananas if I didn’t tell someone who could help me. And then yesterday I told you. And you ignored it completely and I got called bad names instead.
I think I would’ve preferred a stab to the chest. That hurt. I can’t believe you did that. It’s like a kid putting his/her trust into his/her parents, only to be dumped by both of them one day. Trust. I trusted you. I trusted you enough to know that you’d care. But no. I was there for you, why can’t you be here for me?
And maybe it just isn’t a big thing to you but mentally, it has scarred me. I hope you’re happy. Again.
Don’t come to me when he has stuck a knife into your back because I will be so numb by then, I won’t be able to feel your pain. Every little incident hardens me a bit more. By the end of the day, I’ll be heartless. And C and I will be there to laugh at him. His pride and idiocy can blind him into thinking that he’s god but he’s not and one day, what he deserves will come a-knocking. Don’t say we didn’t tell you so.
The irony of it all is that this all began when he started playing God.” – Unknown.