This post is in response to a recent change of plans.
At first I was indifferent to it, mostly because I didn’t want to think about it and thought there could be some way around it. Now that it’s sounding more and more like possible reality, I’m beginning to feel a weight lower itself onto my chest. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way.
What I can say about is, I’m not happy about it.
Perhaps it’s selfishness. Perhaps not. I didn’t even plan on writing this post but this feeling of dissatisfaction keeps rising and threatening to overwhelm me.
Maybe it’s selfishness but maybe it’s okay to be selfish if there’s something worth protecting. In this case, I feel like there are things I want to protect that make me this unhappy about this decision.
First, my mind is rejecting the idea of allowing the toxicity to seep in again. Maybe it is wrong of me to say this but I know in my gut that it’s real and denying it doesn’t help anyone. The toxicity exists. Toxic relationships are defined as such for a good reason. They eat away at you, drag you down, and hold you back. What can else is there to say? They’re nasty.
Even within these few months, the toxicity has sub-consciously affected me and I hate it. Before this, I felt like I was actually doing good. I was practicing good things – kindness, compassion, less anger, less hatred. But it is ridiculously easy to let toxic relationships undo the progress you’ve made. And it has. And I hate it.
I have looked up what to do with toxic relationships several times but the advice hasn’t been applicable in this situation especially now that this – how shall I say it – deliberate decision, though not made by me, will literally bring us one step closer to the toxicity again. I have been frustrated and at end’s wit.
While I want things to move along and for stress levels to go down, I cannot accept this decision easily knowing that it will continue to hurt us. I have gotten angry and upset and said hurtful things to back up my rejection to this decision. I feel terrible about the behavior I displayed since it was directed at others, not the toxic person.
As someone who practices Buddhism, I am doing my best to practice understanding and compassion. I want to convey my ideas without exploding or raising my voice or using harsh words. Moving forward, I will practice as much deep listening and loving speech as I can.
Second reason is ‘together time’. It won’t be the same. It just won’t. Thinking about it really upsets me.
Third, what is privacy anymore? If I had known, I would have done more, had way more concerts at home, baked more, eaten out more, lazed at home more, drove more, learned more, studied harder, socialized more. I don’t know.
Then again, isn’t it like the saying ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’? Ah, life.
Even after doing something else to calm myself and let my mind focus on something, I ended up feeling disgustingly ashamed and angry at myself for letting myself slack these few months, for letting my own self hold me back from doing greater things, for making excuses for myself. Why did it take this to realize again – not even for the first time – how little I’ve been doing and how much more I could have done?
When I had all the opportunity to be free and do more, I let it go to waste. Seriously. Is this the part where I say ‘yeah, you’re probably an idiot’.
I am conflicted because this decision makes some feel better but this decision does not make me feel better. It’s so hard to watch someone you love get hurt and manipulated by a toxic person. It’s even harder to watch the toxic person hurt, blame, play victim, lash out, cause drama, and get their way with the person you love. It’s worse when the person you love is being dragged down emotionally and you can see the effects of it in day-to-day life. I want to do something but I can’t.
For the sake of the people I love and care about, I have convinced myself a few times that it is what it is and I should accept it and maybe it won’t be that bad. If it means they have to stress less and stop being mentally exhausted by the toxic person, I told myself that I’m willing to accept it.
The logical side of me can’t. Ultimately, I am still against it.
The things I want to protect? Important people and the sanctuary we have built.