Things about this week and next week

A lot of times this week, I felt like a lot of things were going wrong for me. I felt like I was going to see the doctor too many times and that obviously wasn’t a good feeling. I also realized how difficult it is to get certain words out of my mouth. But I’ve gotten over some of it.

Some things that were fun this week:

  1. Going to a fashion show, always an inspirational experience
  2. Volunteering for an event because who doesn’t love running around backstage and feeling important? Not to mention, I won a prize and my sister had to claim it in front of everyone under the K-pop superstar name I listed myself as. Sorry, not sorry but it was memorable and fun.
  3. Watching my friends dance for the event. Let’s face it: I love watching people dance. It makes me want to dance too!
  4. Wood carving. Who knew that could be so fun? It’s very relaxing when your carving tools are fresh and sharp. But once it starts to get blunt, all your energy will be gone just like that. It’s a new experience and I love it though.
  5. Answering “What is your dream job?” honestly for the first time.
  6. Talking to my career counselor for almost 3 hours. I love her, she’s so nice. She even made me hot chocolate.
  7. Finishing a super long lab report hours ahead of the deadline and completing most of it without assistance.
  8. Finishing one of my last few presentations for the semester. I feel like my speaking skills have somewhat improved and I am thankful for the experience even though anxiety was killing me at the beginning.
  9. Classmates bringing food to class.
  10. Bringing some tea for my professor who is facing hard times in her life and seeing her smile.
  11. Another class cancelled for the whole week.
  12. Buying a super cute pocket coloring book to bring on long flights and boring events.

Some things I hope to accomplish the coming week (who am I kidding):

  1. Watch more anime because priorities.
  2. Listen to more music.
  3. Cook.
  4. Go to the gym. Or at least dedicate 10 minutes a day to exercising.
  5. Dress better (if the weather would just get warmer).
  6. Finish assignments (ughhhhhhhhhhhh).
  7. TRY to apply for some things because the first step is so hard and I still don’t know what I want.
  8. Paint and make some cards.
  9. Eat more noodles and pasta. Lunch and dinner were vague and college-student-like this week because of homework and everything. Examples:
    • 2 days of instant noodles
    • Random 30-minute rice, egg and vegetable lunch
    • Pita pizzas
    • Half a sandwich + half a fritter + 3 dates???
    • Granola bar + dates + Goldfish crackers??
  10. Continue being more confident in saying what I want to say (no matter how cheesy and cringe-y).

I’m missing out a bunch of stuff but thank you for making my week wonderful. Let’s stay positive and keep moving forwards!

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Is it 2pm yet?

The story of how we came to listen to 2pm. It was an extremely windy weekend morning when we volunteering at an event and one of our friends had his phone plugged into his iHome speakers.

He was playing Korean songs… There was Taeyang, Big Bang, GOT7, BTS, all the big names.

And then there was a catchy song with ‘da da da da da’. I leaned forward and asked him over the roaring of the wind, “What song is this?”

“Wooyoung!” he shouted back even though we were 5 feet apart.

“What?!”

“Wooyoung.”

Nope, never heard of him.

“Rose. Rose.”

“Um..” I heard ‘roast’. What kind of song is called ‘roast’? Pork roast or pot roast? LOL.

“2pm!”

Finally, a name I recognized. I nodded back.

Came back, googled Wooyoung, and voila!

We like this song. A lot.

Also 2pm’s I’ll Be and My House. That’s what we’ve been listening to. And Never Ever by GOT7 because we all need a dash of Jinyoung, a pinch of JaeBum and a sprinkle of Jackson in our lives haha. You?

Raine
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Musical thoughts

I was browsing through some music videos and jokingly mentioned that I should’ve learned to play the bass so that I could stand around and twang a few strings. It might even have saved me all the trouble of taking acoustic guitar lessons with a guy who wasn’t qualified at all. “Guitar Center has, used bass guitars at a great price!” My friend piped in. I’m not underestimating bassists by any means. I really admire how cool they look when they have those basses in their hands. I’ve been thinking of picking up the guitar over summer, just because I love music and I want to learn a different type of creative arts.

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And then

After one year, I went to the free and anonymous anxiety screening session to find out if I really have anxiety or not.

Long story short, it was a completely useless event. An online search for anxiety survey would have saved me a trip if I had known that it would be nothing more than checking a few boxes with extremely broad questions and having a trainee psychologist stare at me in silence after asking me what I wanted to do.

The moment I sat down, she said, ‘hmm looks like your scores were low… you have some anxiety… so what do you want to do?’ And stared at me from behind her false eyelashes with a stupid condescending smile.

(Thank you, Captain Obvious, for stating that I have SOME anxiety. I could have told myself that too.)

And I’m like, ???????? She’s asking me?????

She continued, ‘There is individual counseling and then there’s group counseling. Which are you thinking of?’

(How the fudge am I supposed to choose when you have given me NO information. And do I have anxiety? What kind? Can I tell you my problems? Is that not what you are here for?)

She kept suggesting that I attend group counseling and when I asked her how I could do that, she said I could just call in.

If she bothered talking to me a while longer, she would know that I have social anxiety when it comes to phone calls. I avoid phone calls as much as I can.

‘Do you have any questions for me?’ she asked, not looking interested in answering any that I potentially had.

I asked her what types of anxiety there are, hoping the conversation would go somewhere.

Her reply: ‘social, phobia, general…’

No discussion of my scores, no ‘how are you doing’, or ‘what’s been on your mind lately’ or even the slightest comfort in any way. She was NOT warm, NOT welcoming, and certainly NOT helpful.

So that was messed up and I left, feeling shocked that those people can even be allowed to be psychologists or counselors. I have spoken to teachers, friends, and strangers who have offered me way better words of wisdom and comfort. I am concerned for the people who have larger mental health issues that saw those ‘counselors’ today.

But even though those people didn’t have anything to offer me, I kind of stumbled upon the kind of anxiety I might have. High functioning anxiety, is what it’s called. I don’t know how valid it is but I read several articles on it and I could relate to almost everything they said about high functioning anxiety (HFA).

At first, I doubted it because I looked at the statement about how people with HFA sometimes feel the need to leave a room full of people immediately without reason. I thought, I don’t do that. I don’t know who I was trying to kid but it suddenly hit me today that I certainly do that. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been at a social event and suddenly I turn to my sister (or myself if I’m there alone) and say, oh God, I want to leave right now. I need to leave right now. Can I leave now? And I would sometimes even feel sick.

I had no idea it was even a thing. I thought I was being over-the-top. I am type A, I always need to ‘go, go, go’, I don’t catch a break, I stretch myself so thin by taking on everything (omg this), I compartmentalize my emotions to the point of thinking that I’m fake with people because I can’t show my real self because people will hate me if I show them my real self, I always think I’m not good enough and not doing enough and letting people down.

This is me. Now I get it.

I have no real ending to this post but somehow knowing that there are people out there are feeling the same way I do makes me feel slightly better. And also, I guess after meeting such cold and unhelpful counselors. it makes me want to be the person people can come to, can feel safe around, can feel vulnerable around without feeling judged.

Please be kind.

Raine
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Something good

This week, I have had several moments. Some bad, some very bad, and some good. When I say very bad, I mean, having at least three moments while walking across campus, feeling extremely exhausted and defeated to the point of wanting to just stop and collapse to the floor. I literally thought, what’s the point of going any further? And wanted to just sink onto the ground and not move. The waterworks might also have turned on in the library twice this week but nobody can confirm that, can they?

I don’t want to talk about the ‘very bad’ today though. I actually want to talk about the bad which turned out to be good in some ways.

I had a phone interview this week for something I applied for (not a job) and it was my first ever phone interview, I believe. And I was calm about the whole thing until the person called. Then I was a word-spluttering tornado who sounded really disorganized even though I had a lot of important stuff to say. The point is, I likely totally bombed that interview. Which sucks, because it would have been nice to not have done that but what’s done is done.

But what I realized after the phone call and in the midst of trying not to replay the conversation over and over in my head to scrutinize (duh) is that I really enjoy talking about what I was interviewed on and I am passionate about that interest. And that solidified yet another layer in my ‘I want to be a teacher’ block.

I want to teach. I want to spread the word, shed light on important things that people should care about, share my knowledge, interact with others, discuss ideas and action plans, help them, help myself.

I spent the next morning in class, coming up with lesson plans on how to teach kids about my topic of interest. And I was shocked at myself because I always told myself that I won’t make a good school teacher. And well, okay, maybe I started decorating my dream office with cool stuff in my head.

This experience has taken me one step closer to realizing my true career goal which is to be a teacher. For that, I’m happy. Maybe I won’t become a conventional school teacher. I just know I want to teach in some way.

Also, I realized that I’m a horrible public speaker. But I try and that’s what matters.

Raine
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Long weekends with the SpudBuds

I believe this was our first long weekend since the semester began. You have no idea how thankful both of us are. Talking to people has made me realize that weekends go quick for a lot of people too. That means: Yay, we’re not alone! Responses I got after I asked some friends if they were looking forward to the weekends:

“It’s like I come home, go to sleep and it’s Monday.”

Agreed!

“I don’t think it’ll be long enough.”

How about we protest for a 365-day weekend?

“I think… it’ll be over soon…”

Depressing but 100% true!

Whatever it is, we’ve been winning this weekend! It has been eventful, surprisingly. We went to a basketball game, cheered on our favorite players, and made delicious Hainanese chicken rice in 30 minutes for dinner! We also returned a bunch of clothes we bought, quickly realizing that false advertising is everywhere and that we need a fashion designer in this house ASAP.

We made cranberry salsa to eat with the best damn low-salt potato chips. Finally we were able to replicate the one that Baja used to have ages ago. It was amazing and we need to buy more fresh cranberries to make more!! We also made garlic bread and tomato soup. We realized how we had been doing our soup wrong – red onions instead of sweet white onions. Who cares! The red onions were cheap! screams the broke college student in me.

We cleaned the bathroom – a very strenuous activity that makes me wish technology could do something about this. But I think the most rewarding part was feeling like you have done something important over the weekend. And hey, everything looks nice too! The other part that is my favorite is getting to laze around for the next one and a half days in my sweatpants.

Did I mention that we made no bake PB&J granola bars and banana bread in about an hour early in the morning? Talk about efficiency! Finally getting to open a jar of creamy peanut butter was the most satisfying thing on Earth.

We proceeded to make okonomiyaki and mastered it! Eureka, the shape finally holds up! So delicious too! Shake on some green onions, shrimp furikake and katsuobushi, all done to the beat of GOT7 songs we’ve been repeating for the past few weeks, and life is perfect.

Now that we’re done with the fairytale part of our weekend, the part with lots of reality and adult life consisted of completing a bunch of homework, printing out stuff, checking stuff on checklists, worrying about vacuuming the floor, receiving a steady flow of annoying text messages, and pondering over life matters deeply.

Hope you had an awesome weekend, too!

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